Miracles
September 2, 2018 my life changed forever. I was blessed with the greatest gift on earth. I became a Mom. It was something I had always dreamt about, but I never saw it actually happening. So when I found out I was pregnant, I was not only terrified to have a baby, but to have a baby alone….so the combination of these two things just added to the detachment that I felt in the beginning and it took almost 6 months to believe and accept that it was REAL.
The day I gave birth to my son, my whole universe changed. I never expected to feel the amount of love that I felt, and the amount of responsibility that came from this amazing, precious gift. I don’t think anyone could have prepared me for what was ahead.
I have struggled with the disease of addiction for almost half of my life. I have fought tirelessly to find freedom, and break the cycle for myself. In and out of treatment, jails and mental hospitals, I found myself knocked down, beaten and broken time and time again. The amount of guilt, shame, remorse, and powerlessness became increasingly heavier and heavier as time went on.
Finding out I was pregnant gave me hope for a different life, and a chance to do things right! However, at the time I was incapable of seeing what was coming.
My son was born 5.5 weeks early and came into this world by C-Section. I was very sick with preeclampsia during the last few weeks of pregnancy, and my blood pressure had spiked dangerously making it unsafe for both us the closer to the end it got. During the C-Section and in the hospital for the few days after, I allowed the Drs to treat me however they needed, not thinking about the consequences, and not having a say in some of it.
Being a revolving door in recovery, I should have known better than to think that giving birth and having preeclampsia would be any different. My brain and body don’t know the difference between what medications a dr gives me and what I give myself. They are all the same, and my body recieves & responds to them as the same.
Although I didn’t see instant consequences, and I managed to make it a couple of months, before things hit the fan, a storm was brewing and the disease was again present.
I had begin to suffer from post-partum depression pretty early on after my son was born, which came after he ended up in the hospital 2 within the 1st month of his life. He also wouldn’t sleep unless he was being held….and then you add normal life stressesors such as, starting a new job, and moving out on our own, finanical troubles, and thats when I realized I was in over my head.
Things started to spiraled out of control! I started leaving him at home with my mom so I could go to the casino, just to get away. I had started seeing a dr for anxiety for everything that was going on and had began taking xanax and other medications that no one knew about in order for me to function. I quickly found myself taking more and more of what I was given, and acting more and more like my old self. I was being sneaky about things that I didnt need to be sneaky about.
Within a few short months of his birth, I found myself looking at this sweet, precious, perfect little baby knowing what I was doing was not his fault and I couldn’t continue doing it anymore. I knew I had to go to get help, if I wanted to be free from this bondage and present for my son.
Within that decision I had to make THE HARDEST DECISION IVE EVER MADE, to put him in the care of someone else while I went to treatment. Not knowing what the process would look like, and what the help or process would be for me to get help, I signed over guardianship to another family who I knew who love and care for him until I returned.
Giving up guardianship was hard and painful, and although lead to many roadbloacks, ultimately saved my life. After returning from treatment, I spent nearly 2 years fighting for my rights back as his mother. I never thought that I would see the day.
Here we are! September 14, 2020 a judge granted that the guardianship be terminated! I have felt so many feelings during and through this process.
- Gratitude. God had laid out his path for me to walk and carried me when I was weak and ready to give-up. My parents loved me and supported me through it all, and never gave up on me even in the times when giving up would have been justifiable. My son, reminding me everyday that he loves me unconditionally and how important I am to him, and how important I need to be to myself. Lastly, I’m grateful for a recovery program that guides and directs me, teaches me spiritual principles to help me be the best version of myself.
- Fear/anger/frustration- when it comes to being a mom, nothing is worse than not getting or having a say about things that have to do with your child. Learning how to walk through that with grace and dignity is so challenging and hard. I know that I made the best decision possible in this situation, however the process of it created fear, anger, frustration & many other feelings and emotions that was extremely hard to deal with as time went on. The way I saw it was nothing needed to happen for me to feel angry, fearful and frustrated as i was feeling out of control, so when something did happen it magnified those feelings exponentially!
- Humility and Self-acceptance- Living the life that I have lived created a sense of always thinking that I was less than, and causing me to sabotage myself in relationships and situations where my past is involved. Giving up guardianship-even though it was the right and best thing to do made me feel even worse about myself for quite some time. I had to start digging deep if I wanted to find Mental and Emotion relief and freedom. Like I said, walking through a Custody battle, is one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. Learning how to show up as the best mom I can be, being a beautiful example to my son, and learning how to be and have a relationship with people that dont see me as an equal, is totally humbling and teaches me how to love and accept myself and my flaws!
I could go on and on about what this has taught me and what it’s helped me achieve. Bottom line is, I’m baffled at who God has helped me become through this, and how gracious he is for trusting and believing that I’m the best person for him, and we deserve to live this life together.
Recovery is possible, and so is living a completely different life. Miracles happen everyday!
The Forest
Have you ever heard the saying, “Its hard to see the forest while standing in the trees. Its finally standing outside of the trees that you are able to see the forest.”
I finally understand what it means. Just over 16 months ago, I set out on a Journey of Self discovery, Recovery, Motherhood, and New Life. The question I asked my self was how did I know this time was different? Here is my perspective:
- I have always firmly believed when you’re done, you’re done.
- The guilt and shame that I carried in the beginning from giving up guardianship of my son was heavier then the weight of the world.
- I finally understood the importance of consistency, schedules, and committment.
- I was exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotionally.
- I had started to surrender my life to god, instead of turning to drugs and alcohol.
- And most importantly, I didnt know it was going to be different, I just started acting different.
Upon returning home from treatment, and reuntiting with my family, it was a difficult and challenging task, to say the least. I had burnt these bridges, and severly damaged these relationships, and pushed these people out of my life. Trying to rebuild the relationships with my family was gut wrenchingly painful and hard. Sometimes it cut deeper than a knife. I often felt alone and out of place, but it was due to my own choices and I knew that I had to face them. With time, things started to heal, and with therapy and individual work on my part, the relationships within my family got to a place that they hadn’t been before. Trust was built, love was had, and there was a bond. My parents have loved and supported me through my journey, despite the choices that I have made, and I will forever be grateful to them for that. Forever appreciate them for not leaving me alone in a cold, dark world, that I made for myself.
—
Trying to reunite me with my son, was an extremely emotional painful process. I had been carrying this guilt and shame from giving him up, after relapsing, and then jumping off the deep end. I could not deal with the pain and disappointment that I was and caused my family, and the only way I knew how to deal with it was to use. So once I had found my way back and was again ready and able to start reuniting with my son, it was hard. I felt like an awful person, a terrible mother, a POS. Once I was clean again, I couldnt wrap my head around how I put my selfish actions before my beautiful little boy. It was even more difficult because the guardians that I had chosen for him, were not happy about the fact that I was asking for visitation, at this point. I was already insecure due to this because the original agreement was that he would come home to me after treatment, so naturally I became hurt and extremely angry. It took several weeks to get past all of the road blocks with that, and for me all of the emotions that I went through were nothing short of : Fear, barganing, frustration, anxiety, obession, annoyed, vulnerable, irritable, restless, discontent and powerless. Once we were finally able to come to some sort of resolve with the issue, and I was able to have visitation with my son again, I was on a new road to healing and growth. Knowing that I could hold him again in my arms, kiss his sweet face while he rested on my chest while he went to sleep, and playing together during play time allowed me to start working through the guilt and shame that I was carrying and allowed for me to start making amends to him through my actions by being present!
While I was re-building the relationship with my son, my family, and learning how to love myself again, I began a job with a group of people that helped me to learn so much about myself. In active addiction I had become untrustworthy, and unemployable. Due to this job, some of the lessons I’ve learned are little and suttle, but for me are huge. They’ve been willing to work with a changing schedule, they gave me a key to the office, and they helped me learn how to communicate in work relationships. All major gifts to me in my recovery!
In my personal time I was digging deep to try and sift through the wreckage and damage that I had created. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I knew that through doing the work I would find some relief, a relationship with god, and an overall sense of contentment. It took me several months to get to where I was no longer fighting myself on every little thing. There were days were I would cry over nothing, or be extremely aggitated, or be riding a pink cloud, for months it felt like a complete roller coaster ride. The one constant for me was that I did not want to use. No matter how hard things got, how bad my day was, or what was happening, I was finally at a place that the obsession was gone.
What I’ve learned is eventually it all comes full circle. I sit here thinking about my life. In full gratitude. Baffled at the way things have transpired. I can see myself for who I was, for who I am, and accept and appreciate both. I look forward to the future, and to the growth that is ahead, and the relationships that I will foster. I look forward to what the forest will look like for me down the road, and the beauty that my life is and will become all because I made a committment to myself, and because I surrendered to a process of recovery.
💙Just for today💙
Day one.
I sit here asking myself, “How does one just up and start a blog?”
I’m unsure and apprehensive, as I have a hope in mind as for what I am trying to achieve, so I suppose it starts with just writing. My hope is simply to bring people like you and me together, to draw strength, hope and light to life, and to help each of us find that we are not alone by connecting with each other, and hopefully through me sharing parts of my life with you! I hope to be as raw, open, honest and genuine as possible so we can heal together with the writing is happening.
Ill try to keep this simple, I am a recovering Addict with Co-occuring Disorders. I have Bi-polar, PTSD, and ADD/ADHD. I have struggled with addiction most of my adolescent/adult life. I have been in and out of treatment centers basically from the the entire time I was using, just in and out like a revolving door. That’s where the title of this blog comes from, I survived the odds of the disease of addiction #29 times. Every treatment center gave the statistics, and each said, 7 is the avarage number before it finally clicks for MOST people. Well….let me tell you something, I clearly am not most people lol. I need more time our running the streets, and more time in treatment trying to figure my life out. So, unfortunately for me, it took me quite a bit longer, but BY THE GRACE OF GOD I finally figured it out. Im so grateful for it today.
One of the reasons why I started this blog is because I needed to find a way out of my head, and I felt like sharing it with others was a good idea with the hope that it could possibly be an inspiration to someone else. I know that for me, hearing other peoples experiences helped save my life, and still do every single day!
What took me so long to figure it out? Heres the thing, I will never have it figured out! I suffer from a disease, thats cunning, baffling and powerful, and that I have no control over and can creep up on me at any given moment, in the sneakiest of ways. I have always believed and been told that if I am not working on my recovery then I am working on a relapse. Its that simple. I must make sure to practice the spiritual principles of recovery in order to maintain the life I have today. The biggest ones for me are: Honesty, Open-mindedness, and Willingess, Faith, and Gratitude.
I have had to learn what happens when my recovery isnt the first priority. Its the same vicious cycle, everytime. I fall off my recovery plan, and I start believing the lies in my head such as, “I can hang out with Joe Blow” or “I can go play $20 at the casino tonight” or maybe, “One drink wont hurt!” The biggest one, “These pills are prescribed, they wont be a problem”, and then before you know it im off and running again. Its that quick. it doesn’t take very long at all for me to be engulfed by this disease. And I’ve done it time and time again. You would think I would know how to prevent it, but it doesnt work like that, because you see Im powerless.
I can choose to be the victim to this disease and be powerless or I can get up, and try again. Thats the most important piece here, is being a survivor. Not wallowing in the wrong or bad choices, not beating myself up because I cant figure it out. But dragging myself to the start line and giving myself the chance for another “Day One.” The first day clean is always the hardest. So be kind to yourself and others, be gentle, remember that we have been in a war zone of sorts, and getting clean is scary everytime, we are walking away and giving up our best friend and possibly our only friend.
And by the way, if no ones told you……Im proud of you, you are a miracle!
Guilt
September 2, 2018 my life changed, and it changed forever. I spent almost 9 months carrying a precious little boy who would soon steal my heart, my whole world and would have me wrapped around his finger. The lessons I have learned as a parent have been many, so far.
When my son Keaton was just a few days old, fresh out of the hospital after a C- Section, I found myself Struggling to get him to latch, and myself unable to produce enough milk for him to eat. I would pump in between feeds to try and boost the amount in which I was producing, and still found myself unable to produce. I was concerned that I would not only not be able to feed my new born, but worried that I would lack the connection that other moms had with their newborns, and I wanted that more then I could even express. I continued to try and try, and even went to a lactation specialist in hopes in finding some solutions and answers and finding other ways to help make this special connection happen. In the end, the the guilt that took over me had no words. I simply I couldn’t do it. I was unable to make the connection happen, and had to surrender to that fact. This was just the beginning to my life as a parent, and the guilt that I would feel from not being able to do things right!
I suffered from Postpartum depression. So severally I had no idea I was even suffering. It had been several months of a sleepless nights, and a crying baby. Im sure if I could feel it would have been frustrated and defeated. The only thing I felt at that time was tired and sleepless. I was lucky to have my mom who was helping me at this time as I was a single mom, and then my son, would only sleep if I was holding him, the second that I would put him down, he would wake up. So between the feeding issue, and the sleepless nights I started to fall into a depression that I couldn’t understand. Having experienced depression before, this was not a depression I could relate too or had previously been through.
One night, I handed my son to my mom, and walked up stairs. Completely disconnected. Could hear his cries from downstairs, but strangely it didn’t bother me. I just wanted a break, some time for myself, to lay in the dark and watch whatever show on Netflix I had turned on, and completely distract myself from this new life I was now living. I laid in the dark, no thoughts, no feelings, or emotions just completely blank and beyond disconnected, as my son cried off and on from downstairs. It felt like 3 days by the time I came out of my room, to check on him and my mom, thankfully it was only overnight. I would sit and hold him or try and feed him, still no feelings or emotions as I looked at my newborn baby. I began to wonder what was wrong with me, because I knew in my mind that what was going on wasn’t normal. I was diagnosed with PPD. A month or so later I finally felt guilty for losing myself and the feelings and emotions that come with having a new baby, and that guilt weighed heavy.
As he got a little bit older and I returned to work, I began to feel the guilt of being away at work while he was home with my mom or with a baby sitter. And if I stayed home I felt guilty I wasn’t working. It was a new frustration I hadn’t yet experienced. He had ended up sick and in the hospital 2 different times, and I had to leave him to go to work, it was the hardest decision I had ever made. But there was nothing I could do about him being in the hospital, being monitored, so why not go work? We needed to have a roof over our head and a car to drive, and the essentials in life. The guilt!
When he was about 4 months old, I had to make a decision that put him with another family. I knew I needed to do what was best for my son, but it still lead to many guilt ridden feelings and emotions. I was not in a position to take care of him at that point, and needed to get clean and sober before I could care for him again, but the amount of guilt that I carry for the choices that I had made ran deep. Gratefully, today Im in a much better place, and we are moving in a better direction, and have a relationship, that I was deathly afraid we would never have, due to my selfish choices.
When I started to sleep train my son, it was a troubling time as a mother. My son was used to Co-Sleeping with me, or being in a pack and play in my room when he would come stay on my weekends. So when I had made the decision at 18 months old to sleep train, it was a complete nightmare. He cried, I cried, and it was probably harder on me then it was on him. I would put him in his crib, and sit outside the door while listening to him cry and scream for me, and just hope and pray that he would calm down. Eventually he soothed himself to sleep, but each night for the first couple of weeks, it was the same routine, and I felt so guilty that my baby was crying for me. However, If I gave in and put him back in bed with me, neither of us would be sleeping.
I am aware that what I am experiencing is a common thread to most Mothers or Most Parents. I know that I am not alone in this. I also know that I struggle with mental Illness and at times, this causes most situations and experiences in my life to be amplified, no matter what they may be.
There are many other challenging and troubling situations that I face as a mother. Little situations here and there that make me question if I am doing the right thing. It almost feels like Im damned if I do and Im damned if I don’t. Sometimes its hard to know if i’m showing up the right way, and if i’m doing the right things as a mom. I am constantly questioning and asking myself, “is this the right thing, is this going to benefit my son?” There is no manual for parenting in life, and its difficult to always know. So I just have to wing it at times. What I do know is that the love that I have for my son, does not waiver. I want whats best for him, and I will bend over backwards, to do what is right. I will seek the guidance of those who have done this before me, in order to make sure that I am doing the right things. Parenthood is by far the most challenging thing I have ever gone experienced, and by far the most rewarding. I would not trade it for the world. My son, IS MY WORLD!
One Year
This isn’t the first time I’ve gotten a year clean, or even made it this far along in recovery. I have been able to put together “days” even “years” before….so,
What changed? What was different this time? Did I know things were going to be more successful this time? Why didn’t I just give up and give in to the disease and all of the lies that my head was telling me?
The lies were some of the most awful things you could possibly hear. Lies like, “I’m just a junkie, who doesn’t deserve to live. How could you choose drugs over your son, you’re such a piece of sh*t mom. You’ll never make it in life, all you ever do is mess up, so why keep trying, you might as well just kill yourself. “…..so on and so forth.
As you can imagine my self esteem was nothing. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror, and I did not believe in myself one bit. I had so much fear, fear of my past, the present and definitely of the future. I was deathly afraid I would never measure up to anything in life, and that I would not ever be the mother my son desperately needed.
After my last brutal relapse, I wasn’t sure what was going to be different! I was apprehensive and unsure of myself, and was afraid of what was ahead. After all, my track record hasn’t been the greatest! I would get clean, get some time, and relapse, and do that over and over again. So going into this one I was really unsure, unsure of everything.
I had given up guardianship of my son, and I knew that if I ever wanted him back in my custody, and in my life long term I had to do something different, so it solidified something in my brain, and my in heart! I went to treatment, again.
I want to put emphasis on the fact that I have been to treatment a number of times through out my life. There wasn’t anything special about what I learned in treatment this time. I learned the same things that I learned every other time. My heart and my head were both in the same place this time. I was able to take home with me things that I would have never taken home with me times before. Simple things, that you wouldn’t think matter, but in my life today, they make all the difference in the world!
In treatment they teach the importance of making your bed every morning. Its such a mundane task, that starts the day off with a productive action, and allows for you to continue with positive action through out your day and if anything, at the end of a rough day, you have a clean, tidy bed to climb into. Keeping this habit everyday for an entire year, has proven to be of great value to me. The knowledge that I did one great thing for my self as simple as it was for me through each day, gave me the strength to do other mundane tasks. Not everyday is great, however I continued to make my bed. Making my bed symbolizes my recovery!
The relationship I have built with my son is absolutely beautiful! There was a day when I questioned if he would ever know me as his mom, and today he does! We are much closer then I ever imagined. I am his momma, and the bond that we share is amazing and special. What was once a hope of having him home is now becoming a reality. He has saved my life! The little boy that wraps his arms around me and kisses my face, is my reason for everything that I do today in life. I love him to pieces! I have had to make decisions that are painful and difficult, in order for us to get to where we are today. His happiness and safety was number one, and although we have had to go through some trying times, It will be what saves us in the end. My love as a mother is my reason for choosing to put him with another family while I went and got treatment, and found stability. There is something that happened when I became a mom, it solidified a change of heart and a change in my brain, allowing me to become a new person, and tackle my recovery, in a founded way!
Another gift that I find in my life today, is I have held job for almost a year. In past times in recovery, I have struggled to hold a job for longer then just a couple of months. Today I am a reliable, accountable, trustworthy employee. I show up for work and do my job, and don’t expect to be treated different then others. Im baffled at times that I am able to be a worker among workers today. It feels amazing to be accountable, and responsible. It has helped me become fully self supporting, which I have never been able to do before either.
I have also been able to care for my mom, who has been ill, over the last year. I have been able to give back to her what she has given to me, all my life. The gift of that is something that has no words. It brings tears to my eyes. My mom has loved me in my darkest of days, and being able to care of her during her times of illness this last year has meant so much to me! We talk about being of service to others in recovery, and being able to be of service to mom, is the ultimate gift. There is nothing greater. I am truly blessed. I believe that it’s come full circle, she’s giving to me, and it’s allowed me to give back, to Keaton and others. Such a gift and blessing.
There are so many other gifts of recovery that come with my life…..I cannot even put into words the changes that recovery has brought to my life today, and how grateful I am for the path I am walking.
Lets be real, I will always need need my parents, but today I dont rely on them, like I used too. They are my rocks. But I have become an adult. Something I have never before become. Sometimes it scares me to think that I’m becoming an adult, and that I am recovering.
I have some of the most amazing people in my life today. Because I am able to be a friend, I have friends. Another gift of recovery. Its amazing to see what recovery has offered me.
I am so beyond blessed today, to again have reached this milestone, in my life. Thank you to all those who have been by my side and cheered for me, believed in me, and had faith in me! This is just the beginning!
Wreckage and Damage
***Trigger Alert***
I’m desperate for a fix. No one knows that I’ve been using again. I must figure out where to find the money or the drugs to get me well. I’ve already spent my whole paycheck, and am surprised I didn’t OD, last night in my room. My head is spinning, my body is aching, ive got hot and cold sweats, and all I can think about is that next high.
I tried to stretch out the last bag, but I just couldn’t. I know that my parents have cash or coins somewhere in the house I just have to distract them long enough to get to the coin jar. Im sure that by now my attitude has already changed and my mom has caught on, and it wont be long before shes on my case. Its not long before I get kicked out, but I dont care, I have to get high! That’s all I can think about. Its instant wreckage and damage.
I find some money and I head to the dope man. I end up waiting for longer then I want to. He finally arrives, and I get my sack, I return home, and head upstairs. I prepare to do my thing, while not paying any attention to whats going on outside the the bedroom door.
I forgot to lock the door, and in walks my little brother, as i’m doing my deal. In that moment I had no feelings towards the situation. Just yell, “Get out!” I quickly finish up and try and hide my utensils, knowing that he is going to call our parents. Its over for me. I had no thought of care in the moment.
Lets pause here for a second. This is not the current situation. Im not using, and im not stealing from my parents, but the reality of the situation is that, when I have relapsed in the past, this is the situation.
I have spent so many years creating and living in wreckage and damage. I have literally drug my family through shattered glass. To have no care in the world, while I was in active addiction, makes me sick.
Looking back on certain situations, breaks my heart. It not only my family that I have harmed or hurt but friendships, and relationships. In active addiction I am a dishonest, thief, who is selfish and self-centered. I have done many things that I am not proud of, and It will probably take me just as many years to fix the wreckage that I caused.
I remember when I couldn’t go into Walmart alone, and carry a purse, because I was afraid that I would pocket something off the shelves. It was hard to trust myself. I had to retrain myself to do things differently. It was so embarrassing, and I felt so ashamed.
To feel such feelings was new for me. I wasn’t used to feeling shame or guilt . I just acted and continued moving forward.
In instances with my family, I had to retrain myself as well. My mom would leave money laying around and I would have to practice not picking it up and pocking it. I was so used to just taking what wasn’t mine. And getting clean and living by spiritual principles taught me how to leave what was not mine.
Getting clean is not just about the not using. At least for me. I have to put in work on a regular basis. I have to be diligent with my attitude and with my choices. I have to practice honesty in every area of my life. I have to remain open minded to others and their perspective of me and where im at. I have to be willing to do things that I may not want to do. Those are the cornerstones of recovery, as well as some other spiritual principles that I practice.
My life is drastically different today then it was a year ago. Even 6 months ago. But Im constantly picking up the wreckage and damage that I have created. Its not just with my parents.
I am fighting for custody of my son, because I choose to use drugs, and had to go to treatment.
Im paying the government back for a student loan that I took out and ended up using the money, during a relapse.
Im rebuilding relationships with my siblings that I destroyed because of my drug use.
And I am constantly working on myself and building a stronger relationship with the Kelli that I am Today. I am learning how to be a better mom, and a more loving daughter. I am gratful that I am not stuck in the sick cycle of active addiction.
Disneyland
7pm I roll up to pick up my son, for our 4 day vacation. I haven’t seen him In a week! I’m anxious, and my anticipation is high. I don’t like going that long, without seeing my baby! We are excited to take him on our trip, and have a huge surprise in store!
I’ve spent several day packing, getting ready to go! 6am is here, I wake him up, and load him in the motor home, buckle him in, turn on his “little baby bum” show, and we hit the road.
We travel 12 long hours in the motor home and finally arrive at our destination. My son is antsy, and so am I, we’re ready to be out and walking around, so I put on his monkey backpack, and we go for a walk around the rv park that we are staying at for a few days, and look around! We have a long couple of days ahead of us, so we get ready for the next few days, and go to bed.
6am Friday morning, and my son is wide awake, he has no idea of the adventure he is about to embark upon! I get us both ready, along with my family, my parents, my sister her husband and their two boys.
We load up on the shuttle, and arrive at the park. I ask him “where are we, baby?” He is in a trance, and stares, looking around at what’s going on!
There’s little Minnie and Mickey Mouse’s, BuzzLight year’s, Princesse’s of every kind! And of course the characters themselves! My son is about to experience Disneyland for the first time, at 18 months old!
I remember going to Disneyland often when I was younger! Things were much different! They didn’t have fast passes, and I don’t remember standing in line for hours. Maybe it’s because I was at an age where I had more patience, and stamina! I always went with friends which also made the experience, so much fun.
My son was able to experience more rides then I expected because he is 34in tall, therefore we rode the tractors, at California Adventure, and drive the cars on Autotpia. We saw little mermaid, and Monsters Inc. watching the light go on in his eye, was truly magical.
We met some characters, my son was enthralled by Mr. potato Head, Jessy from Toy story, Mickey and Minnie Mouse, Alice in Wonderland, Lightening McQueen from cars, and many other characters in passing.
His favorite ride was it’s a small world, and he had a blast! He sang and danced the whole ride. Quakes with the ducks, it was so great to see him enjoy himself like he was!
Not only did we enjoy the rides, we also enjoyed the food. Who goes to Disneyland and doesn’t enjoy the food. Churros, corn dogs, pizza, fruit….drinks. He had the whole experience!
I must say though, if it wasn’t for my recovery, I wouldn’t have been able to do any of this! I wouldn’t be able to show up as a mom, to my son. Or be able to be present to experience the look on his face. It’s a gift that I’m so grateful for today! Being clean is one thing, but being his mom is another!
I’m so grateful for where I’m at today in my life!
The Wolf
Have you ever heard the quote about the battle of two wolves?
Its been the perfect analogy for my current situation in life! Nothing says it better. And I believe it’s so true.
Recovery teaches spiritual principles, such as love, honesty, humility, trust, and faith.
In active addiction I would recoil from such principles. I was a dishonest, dis-loyal, egomaniac, who believed that the world revolved around me. I lived my life in anger and resentment, and did many things that were against my morals and standards. I grew up believing in family, friendship, loyalty, trust, and love. Some how along the way, I lost sight of those things.
Active addiction does crazy things. I found myself sneaking into my parents room at night, while they were in a deep sleep, rummaging through my dads pants on the floor looking for any cash that I could find, and if he didn’t have any, I would just take his debit card, go to the gas station, buy something, get cash back, sneak back in, and put it back, and act like I never did any of it. I would lie straight to my parents face, if asked about things going missing around the house, and had no concern about it.
So…
When I read this quote so many things crossed my mind. Like how easy it is to feed anger, resentment, jealousy, greed, dishonesty, and ego! Or how hard it is sometimes to practice love, hope, kindness, humility, empathy, and honesty.
Yes it’s all about which wolf we choose to feed…but if I’m being honest, it takes practice, and diligence, in my life today, to actually feed the right wolf….
Last week I got a speeding ticket. Initially, I was really upset, I was on my way home from dropping off my son, and I haven’t been pulled over in months. I’m on probation, and I was sure that it would turn out to be some sort of a disaster.
It was a year ago that I was pulled over, pulled out of my car, made to lay face down on the ground with guns to my head, due to the fact that I was driving my own stolen car. (Long story) In the moment I was mortified at the fact that my face was in the dirt, thinking they are about to search my car, and I’m probably going to jail, again! How that did not happen, I am not sure. They cleared my name and my car, for the moment, and let me go!
So when I was stoped this time, he asked for me paperwork, wrote me a ticket, cut me a break and sent me on me way.
As I was sitting there, (the wolf I was feeding) told me I was gonna be pulled out of my car, searched from top to bottom, and have it be this big thing. It turned out to be nothing close to that.
In the end, I was able to feed a different wolf. I was grateful for not being high, having a drivers license, a car that is clean, that I have made consistent payments on for several months now, even if I had been Searched, he would find baby toys, and work papers, today that’s a miracle for a drug addict like me.
The hand-off
Trying to understand and process feelings and emotions like an adult is new….for a drug addict like me! Learning how to have adult relationships, and communicate….is not what a shot out junkie like I have ever done….
I started using when I was young. When a person starts using as young as I did, and gets clean as an adult, trying to re-learn everything that I should have learned growing up is even more difficult.
I had no clue what I was in for when I found out I was pregnant, or even when I gave up guardianship….what I do know is that I have had to grow up really quick… having my son has made me grow up..QUICK STATUS!
There’s many days where….
I have to drop my child off, and watch him cry because he just want to be with me, and I can’t do anything about it, as we are currently in the middle of this custody battle….there is no WORSE feeling.
I leave, sad and in tears that I am not able to comfort him, because we only get a short amount of time right now, so having to seperate from him is not easy….I think most parents don’t realize how precious that time really is, until it comes to something like this….
I also have no control over anything that happens in his life right now, so it makes everything really hard, on both of us. Gratefully we have a stipulation plan in place now that allows a little more control on my end, but still leaves me hanging in the dust until September.
Such a powerless feeling. I can’t even put into words the hurt I feel when I have to do nothing, when he cries for me, but walk away because it only makes it worse.
The pain I felt during this time was excruciating….how could these people do this…..I trusted them….
They were only protecting my son….
Again, The anger and resentment that I felt was insane… I could not see past the RED!
It felt to me like betrayal. And I felt like I had just handed my son over, and these people took him.
I quickly spiraled out of control in my head. Wishing I could rewind time, and start new, and never have picked up that first Xanax to begin..
Knowing I can’t go back, I was able to talk myself down….
It’s been hard because I’ve had to learn how to have a relationship with these people! The people that now see my son as theirs. It’s been difficult, and painful, because we have not always seen eye to eye on things…
Gradually as time goes on, we get more time. In the end he will come home, and this phase with be over and we will be on to the next phase of parental pain….
Life is not easy, being a parent is isn’t easy, but I would not give up my calling for ANYTHING. My son has made me into someone nothing else has been able to. I am eternally grateful for the love ❤️ he has for me, and that sweet sweet voice, that’s calls me “momma” during the day.
Pain
I thought life was hard when I was strung out, addicted to heroin, living in casinos, begging people for money, trying to survive.
What I didn’t realize was getting clean would bring, feelings, emotions, personal responsibility…
The previous post I wrote about consequences…..trying to live a life of recovery I have had to face many different consequences. Many that are painful. Many that make me want to drown myself in some form of a way. That is the reason why I stayed in active addiction for so long. After all, I have lived my life for the last 15 years on drugs, so learning how to life without them has been a challenge.
In addition….
Over the last year, I have been fighting a custody battle…something that I did to myself. I did it because it was what was BEST for my son, but it has brought many unwanted feelings along the way.
The pain I have felt through this process has been something I never in my life expected to feel.
I think it’s important to note that I was as far gone as I have ever been in active addiction at this point in my life, due to the guilt and shame of using drugs over my son. The pain I had from that capulted me deeper into addiction, I had never felt worse because I was now that “PARENT! ”
This lead to me making a decision to sign over guardianship of 4 month old son…during which time I was going to treatment.
When I made the decision, my family and the guardians that I chose, got together and sat in my living room to discuss details of “short term” guardianship…..
Note: I would have just given guardianship to my parents had my mom not been sick.
After signing over my son, I lost complete control. It took me a week or so to get to treatment, I also caught a new drug charge, in the time frame I was out using, and almost, dying……miraculously I survived and made it to treatment….
In the beginning, we went months without seeing each other. His guardians wanted to make sure I was really doing what I said, and then I was finally able to see him again.
I did not go into this thinking or believing that I wouldn’t be able to see or have a relationship with my son. All of this was extremely painful, and I was more angry and resentful then I had been in a very long time.
I felt like I had been betrayed…..so learning how to deal with this situation, and process these feelings and emotions, was new, and so hard because it came to my son, and I had an extremely hard time understanding what was happening….
Surviving The Odds 