Surviving The Odds

Surviving the odds….

I have spent a majority of the last 20 years of my life in active addiction, and most of it I suffered from untreated mental health issues, trauma, PTSD, trust issues, ect. The combination of the those things were LETHAL Part of the bottom for me was was giving up guardianship of 4 month old son, because I could NOT handle the guilt and the shame of dragging him through what I knew my active addiction was……and I knew the DOWN HILL spiral was about to begin. Once things hit the fan and were completely unmanageable,  every minute was truly a gift from GOD. It had become about trying to survive the odds at that point, as I wasn’t sure if I was going to survive this disease. I had become so far off the beaten path that coming back felt impossible.

When I first got clean EVERYTHING felt huge and overwhelming. Even tho this wasn’t my first time getting clean, this felt like my first time getting clean….if you know what I mean. Every step, every breath, every new thought felt like I was just trying to survive something I knew nothing about, or going against the grain. I wanted nothing more then to get clean and stay clean, and knew that the percentage of people that don’t make it was extremely high. I saw people all around me dropping like flies, and dying from drug over doses, going away to to prison for felony charges and leaving kids and families behind….and I did not want that to be ME. I wanted to LIVE and live free. I wanted to come out on the other side of this in success, and be the person everyone knew I could be. I knew I could do it, but the fear, guilt and shame was piercing through my veins and became almost paralyzing as time went on. It truly was a minute by minute deal for a long time.

I still don’t know where my disease began. “Weather the chicken came before the egg or vice versa,” but what I do know is that I struggle with both sides of the coin. I have both mental health issues and the disease of addiction. Which for me I can treat them both similarly, with a program of recovery, along with medication management. I have learned too many times that when I am not diligent in both areas, and remain active daily I QUICKLY fall back into old thinking, and patterns.

Recovery is possible to anyone, anywhere. And that is my hope with this blog. To share with you my story, and to help others feel less alone.